A typical workplace is home to all different kinds of people. As a manager, you probably deal with varied personalities and a wide spectrum of behaviors every day. Sometimes, a person's behavior affects the performance and productivity of others. When this happens, it's important that you confront the person quickly and firmly.
Being able to recognize difficult behavior is the first step to resolving any problems it may cause.
The second step in confronting difficult behavior is to think about what might be causing it. Some people have strong personalities that cause friction, but most people don't try to be difficult. Their behavior results from many causes – rivalry with another person, a real or imagined insult, fear of change, or pressure.
Steps for confronting difficult behavior
Confronting people about their behavior isn't easy. Many managers don't like doing it, even though it's an essential part of their jobs. If you find it hard to confront people about their behavior, you're not alone. Many managers ignore difficult behavior, hoping it will just go away.
To help you avoid making these and other mistakes in confronting difficult behavior, there are four simple steps you can follow:
- identify the behavior
- provide feedback
- listen carefully, and
- seek resolution
Identify the behavior
The first step is to identify the behavior and its impact. It's important to determine if the behavior is actually causing performance problems. If you confront someone whose behavior is difficult but not problematic, you risk being perceived as a micromanager or poor leader. If behavior isn't causing problems, leaving it alone may be the best option.
If you determine that a behavior is causing problems, you need to address that behavior immediately. Don't wait – waiting only makes things worse and harder to talk about with the employee. It's important to be prepared before you meet with the person. Stay calm and distance yourself emotionally from the situation. If you lose your cool, you won't be effective. Try to identify the behavior. Is it aggressiveness, negativity, or complaining, for instance? Is the behavior an isolated incident, or is it ongoing? What might be the cause?
Next, make some observations about the behavior. Who brought the behavior to your attention? A client? Or another employee? When and how were you notified? Be sure to save any written documentation of the employee's behavior.
If you were informed by another employee, keep notes of your conversation:
- make observations
- who?
- when and how?
- save documentation
Provide feedback
After you've prepared for the confrontation, arrange to meet with the employee to provide feedback. Don't address the behavior in front of other people – the person will likely be embarrassed and lose face, or flare up defensively. Instead, schedule a time that's convenient for both of you, and meet in a place that's private and free of interruptions.
Then sit down with the person and explain your concerns. You might begin by establishing rapport with the person. A personal connection can be conducive to discussing mutual needs. It helps establish trust and openness. Describe the behavior or issue. Be candid, calm, nonaccusatory, and objective. Focus on the facts and address the behavior, not the person. Make it clear why the behavior concerns you. Emphasize that the issue is serious and you're intent on resolving it.
Invite the person to tell you about the incident or behavior. Use clarifying phrases to encourage the person to open up. For example, you could say "Let's take a minute to clarify what we've been talking about," "It's important for me to understand where you're coming from. Can you tell me why you're feeling negative about our project?" or "I want to hear your point of view. Why is it important for you to take a forceful tact with people?" In addition to encouraging the person to speak with you, clarifying phrases ensure both you and the other person understand the issues as they unfold. Understanding can contribute greatly to reaching a resolution.
Listen carefully
The third step in confronting difficult behavior is to listen carefully and hear the person out.
One useful technique for listening carefully is paraphrasing. This means repeating what the person said, in your own words. Paraphrasing lets the person know you're listening, and that you're attempting to understand the situation. When you paraphrase, focus on the content of the message and ignore the emotion behind it. Try to summarize exactly what the person said. Some of the lead-in phrases or clauses you may use include "It sounds like...," "What I hear you saying is...," "Let me see if I understand what you're saying..." and "When you say ____, do you mean ____?"
Another useful listening technique is to use "say more" phrases. "Say more" phrases can be neutral – such as "really," "uh huh," and "oh?" – and serve to assure the person that you're listening. Another kind of "say more" phrase invites the person to keep speaking. Examples include "Tell me more..." and "Go on." But be careful not to convey your own opinions or emotions when you use "say more" phrases. If the other person thinks you're being judgmental or critical, the person may close up and you won't be able to understand their side of the issue.
There are three main behaviors you should avoid:
- sending solutions – Sending solutions can mean telling others what to do or trying to control their actions by warning them of negative consequences.In doing this, you risk alienating the person. Instead of jumping in with your own solution, you need to listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Then you can work together to seek resolution.
- evaluating – Evaluating means judging the other person by showing agreement, lack of agreement, or doubt. This behavior can make the person defensive and close off communication.
- withdrawing – Withdrawing means that you no longer participate in the conversation or pay attention to what the person says. When you withdraw, the other person is instantly aware; the person could also withdraw, or overreact with anger or hostility.
Seek resolution
Seeking a resolution is a three-step process:
- confirm – confirm what you heard the person say
- state change – state exactly how you expect the behavior to change
- explore solutions – explore solutions together
The first step in seeking a resolution is to confirm what you've heard the person say about the situation. You want to verify your understanding, make sure you haven't missed anything, and state the need to work out a solution together.
After you've confirmed what you've heard, the second step in seeking resolution is to tell the person exactly how the behavior should change. In doing this, you must be direct, concise, and clear about your expectations. Don't leave the person any doubts about what you want. By giving a reason for making the behavioral change, you imply that you respect the person enough to provide an explanation, and that you anticipate the person will cooperate.
Once you've told the person your expectations, the third step in seeking a resolution is to explore solutions to the behavior with the person. It's very important to work jointly, because you want the person to be accountable and take responsibility for modifying the behavior. Use questions like, "What are we going to do about the behavior?" The best ideas for change will often come from the person rather than from you. Remember to stay calm. Show the person you're confident in their ability to change, and provide your own ideas if the ones the person suggests aren't adequate.
Work together to devise and agree on an action plan. This is a set of activities that must be done to modify the difficult behavior. Create a timetable for completion of each step. The plan then serves as a contract for achieving the desired behavior modification.
Confronting difficult behavior isn't easy. But four steps can help you handle difficult behavior effectively. First, identify the behavior and the impact it's having on you, the team, or the project. Next, give feedback to the person exhibiting the behavior. Third, listen carefully to what the person has to say. And fourth, seek a joint resolution to the problem.